Heart: Dead and beating at the same time?
Vacuum; a hole or many; and then the very thing – going into pieces.
The breath and the beat; all enough to keep it assembled: physically.
Wonder what happened; emotionally? how to decide that?
The fact that: I don’t feel anything?
But I do feel…
Not in a people’s world though. Sounds weird!! I know… to me too.
- Instrumental Music
- Books
- Endless walks in the woods and breeze.
- Staring at the moon and the stars in night sky.
- Watching the sea waves splashing my feet.
- Lying on the cold slide in the park; temperature - some -20 degree Celsius; eyes closed; music in ears; full volume.
- Playing piano.
- Writing.
- Reading.
- Dreaming.
- Mirror.
- Voice.
But where is the affinity?
Why can’t someone’s voice make me feel that?
- Or Someone’s song?
- Or Someone’s talks?
- Or Someone’s company for my walk? (Makes me rather uncomfortable!)
- Or my friends besides me while I look at the stars and moon… why I yearn to be alone then?
- Or a friend holding my hand to just play around with me in sea waves, why I have sudden urge to just leave and go along the waves far far away?
- Or someone’s presence?
Anyone?
Piano: Fascinating when I play…Tiring when others join in.
Human is a social animal.
What would you call an unsocial human?
The breath and the beat; all enough to keep it assembled: physically.
Wonder what happened; emotionally? how to decide that?
The fact that: I don’t feel anything?
But I do feel…
Not in a people’s world though. Sounds weird!! I know… to me too.
- Instrumental Music
- Books
- Endless walks in the woods and breeze.
- Staring at the moon and the stars in night sky.
- Watching the sea waves splashing my feet.
- Lying on the cold slide in the park; temperature - some -20 degree Celsius; eyes closed; music in ears; full volume.
- Playing piano.
- Writing.
- Reading.
- Dreaming.
- Mirror.
- Voice.
But where is the affinity?
Why can’t someone’s voice make me feel that?
- Or Someone’s song?
- Or Someone’s talks?
- Or Someone’s company for my walk? (Makes me rather uncomfortable!)
- Or my friends besides me while I look at the stars and moon… why I yearn to be alone then?
- Or a friend holding my hand to just play around with me in sea waves, why I have sudden urge to just leave and go along the waves far far away?
- Or someone’s presence?
Anyone?
Piano: Fascinating when I play…Tiring when others join in.
Human is a social animal.
What would you call an unsocial human?
shades of Ms. Rand and Ms Tagart there!
ReplyDeleteSolitude isn't unsocial, but -20 degrees is surely scary.
Who are Ms. Rand and Ms Tagart?
ReplyDeletehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/AtlasShrugged
ReplyDeletehttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dagny_Taggart
Piano: Fascinating when you play, Tiring when someone joins in.
ReplyDeleteIs it tiring even if you have a silent listener? Or is it the adulation that makes you weary?
Hmm... maybe the affinity is with someone as 'unsocial' as you :-)
@G
Ms Rand and Ms Taggart :-). They were hardly unsocial. Actually far from it...
Ohh you talking about Atlas Shrugged? and the writer.. :)..Amazing!
ReplyDeleteI get tired whenever i interact with anyone consciously!! ...
ReplyDeleteSame goes with piano playing too.. Though I don't mind silent listeners!! :D
If they love what i play...my music is all like Enigma/Karunesh types...lol...few ppl only like it..
@ Kritrim Buddhi
ReplyDeleteIt's not about social behavior. It's about the line of thought the author pursues(or aspires to pursue), for oneself and the characters. the way the characters thought - and what good is socializing if there is no affinity (as seen in this post)?
And there is an amount of shallowness in that socializing which in turn evokes different yearnings.
That's what I was alluding to.
@G
ReplyDeleteI guess, Ms Taggart was unsocial in one sense. But, from my perspective, she was desperate to meet and associate with her kind of people. Desperation is fine, I think, so long as you don't give up your standards. In that sense, she was seeking other people.
@MM
Have you read any of Ayn Rand?
And you don't get tired when you are not conscious (I obv. don't mean unconscious) while interacting?
@G
ReplyDeleteDamn! you beat me to it. I just saw ur reply :-)
Yes, I agree, the unsocial behaviour was precisely because of the lack of affinity.
@KB
ReplyDeleteNo. I tried reading Atlas Shrugged and somehow i was contradicting a lot of things in that. So I stopped reading it!! :)
No wonder i didn't remember the names.
I thought so. Its rather hard to not remember the names if you finish that book. For the sheer size of it, if not anything else :-P
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you haven't had a free flowing conversation in a long time, doesn't make you believe that you cannot have one, does it?
ReplyDeleteNice, bubbly girl :-)? sounds like the perfect mask to me :-P
@ MagnaMater
ReplyDeleteAtlas shrugged is contradicting, unless you read the whole stuff.
So are your posts!
Would request you to give it another try. I don't know how many times I gave up on it before I finished it.
@ Kritrim Buddhi
Desperation is fine, I think, so long as you don't give up your standards. - Precisely. It's about your standards - and more importantly 'you'.
@ MagnaMater
I have to second KB there. you can always have a free flowing conversation. Let go.
@KB
ReplyDeleteLOl..yeah..I am a very good actress!! :D
@Gary
ReplyDeleteMy posts contradicting? really?
Ok! I'll read the book once... :) I still have it in my cupboard.
And yes I can have that conversation..Its just that i should feel the need of it. Which i don't...ever... :|. I know its weird..
Somehow the long solitude has passed the minimal requirements of a person to be with his like.
Having free flowing conversations are hardly chores. Besides, you need to have a listener who is capable of having that conversation with you. By capable, I mean someone who can bear you without the mask
ReplyDeleteSimilarly, I think reading Atlas Shrugged is hardly a chore. Someday you'll feel curious about it, start reading it, start relating to it and then you wouldn't have to make the effort of going through those 1000 pages. It'll come naturally...
With all that 'chemical lochaa' in your head, thank ur acting skills for your survival in the society :-P
@KB
ReplyDeleteLOl.. I dont mind reading 1000 pages...with the affinity i have towards books..I read 3 books on an average every week.... lol..and none of them are short stories..
And yes..it is difficult to get someone who can take you as you are behind the mask. Problem is how'd you know this?... when the person came to you being enchanted by the mask itself.
Haha...my survival instincts surpass my individuality i guess.. Coz everyone has different opinions about me...which are usually completely opposite.. :P
Indeed, it is difficult to know. But there might be people who are attracted by the fact that you know that you wear a mask. Its not too hard to get confused between the mask and the self, many do and forget which is which.
ReplyDeleteAnd did you say 3 books a week??? what are you, a robot like Number 5 or something?
It sure is difficult to see behind a façade. Similarly, it might be difficult for you to figure out people who can see through the façade. Some people might see through the façade and still be enchanted. And then you may not be able to differentiate, although I hope you do.
ReplyDeleteAnd I guess contradicting is a harsh word - and a judgemental one at that. Your posts certainly have a line of thought - typically a realization followed by a heartful of questions. That realization, might just contradict your notions from the past - an epiphany as you put it.
Solitude isn't weird. It's wonderful to have some time and place (and anything else you want) of your own - as far as I am concerned. But some people call it loneliness. Your take.
@Gary
ReplyDelete"Solitude isn't weird. It's wonderful to have some time and place (and anything else you want) of your own - as far as I am concerned. But some people call it loneliness. Your take."
>> Regarding this I'd say..."Some time and place" is fine...but when all the time a person has to spend in his own company...I guess he just becomes confined to what comforts him on his own.
Loneliness is different ...it is something when a person is alone and sad about it...when he longs to meet someone or share things etc.
I definitely don't have either of the both i guess!! :)
And that only made me write this post!! :P
@Gary
ReplyDeleteI used to feel that need....but its ages now...since i felt that
anyway you won't understand...so you are right...you shouldn't bother about it!! :)
Is 'understanding' something same as putting a word to it?
ReplyDelete@Gary
ReplyDeleteSort of...
Gosh 25 comments...in just few hours..lol...
@Gary, you jumped from Tata Nano to Solitude ? How versatile are you?
ReplyDelete@MM, who says that you don't feel the need of a conversation? You converse well, the only thing is... you've been meeting the wrong people to converse with... most of the time.
Look at Libin... he's just amazing to talk to... understands so well.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteoops!! :-\
ReplyDelete@Kunds and KB
ReplyDeleteLOL....I guess Kunds is right...magnet to all weirdos... hahahaha
@KB
you are right again..what was that oops for?
@MM
ReplyDeleteIt just occurred to me that we were talking on your blog. And I felt my last question was a little too personal, which I wouldn't have been comfortable answering on my blog (sheepish smile)
Its ok...
ReplyDeleteNo one in general is interested enough to read comments..that too when they are this many in number!! :D
@MM
ReplyDelete32 comments!! you are popular :-P!!
@ Buzz
ReplyDeleteHardly, nowhere near where I want to be. Was that intended to be a compliment? if so, I'll take it ;)
brick at top of pyramid is alone.
ReplyDeleteso are the extra-evolved humans.
but they don't mind it.
http://www.nishug.com/2009/04/17/significance-of-friends-in-life/
ReplyDeleteWere you reading my mind when you wrote this?
ReplyDeleteDid Edwards loan you his powers for a night?If he did. It sure worked.
http://shuunya.tumblr.com/post/97694767/people-who-need-people-are-threatened-by-people
ReplyDelete"Haha...my survival instincts surpass my individuality i guess.."
ReplyDeleteconsidering that you enjoy your solitude so much, you are bound to fall for ur individuality someday, that is, if you haven't already. after all thats what makes you seek solitude...
it'd be nice to see others surviving you :-P